THW Golf Headlines

Friday, April 11, 2014

The Cocklebur Interviews: Ace at Augusta, Part2

by Ace

Earlier this month, Team Housewares News Network reporter Ace, took a trip down to Augusta National in order to schmooze with the staff and take a peek at the preparations being done for the upcoming THW Masters. In Part 1 of the series, Ace along with his guides Guido and Cutter walked the front nine at Augusta, watching staff board up the windows in the cabins and stopped to admire the newly installed Binkdog Move Calibration terminals. Part 2 picks up as Ace makes the turn meanders along the back nine.

Take it, Ace.

It was a pleasant walk as we passed through Amen Corner and of course I saw the Eisenhower Tree. Reaching the 16th green, Guido asked Cutter to show me how the newly installed inflatable Green-Macs functioned. Cutter showed me the airbag system that is under all the course greens. He stated that by inflating the bags, the center of the greens were elevated. Small air pockets cause undulation but that is just part of the game. Cutter stated, “Macdawg invented the air bag system and we were glad to install them, it took lots of effort and cost but they work well. However, then he went wild and wanted us to install his wacky wading pool sand traps. We just had to stop the madness and tell him no! Next thing you know he will want mist heads hanging all around the greens to make it seem like a rain storm or turban fans installed to keep the pine needles off the greens!”

As we were walking up the 18th fairway to get the feel of the conquering heroes ending the tournament, Guido looked at the rough and asked Cutter how the roughs were doing around the course. Cutter grumbled and then said, “Well, I am concerned. I don’t think we should have ever left ASH alone with my course maintenance staff. We have Base Malts planted in the roughs on holes two through four, Unmalted Barley in the roughs on holes five and six, Corn in the rough on hole seven, Oats in the roughs on holes eight, nine, and ten, Rice in the rough on hole eleven, Rye in the roughs on holes twelve through fifteen, Wheat in the roughs on holes sixteen through seventeen and the grounds crew was so snockered while planting the rough on hole eighteen there is no telling what mixture of things are going to pop up. As much as ASH is in the rough during the tournament we may have a hard time keeping it taller than the fairways. I have put the basement below the maintenance barn off limits to all personnel and players during the tournament. Something could blow-up down there like last year when ASH disappeared from the tournament for the night. Also, can you imagine if Wirenut and ASH get in the rough at the same time? Possibly complete mayhem! I’m concerned!” Needless to say, I was ready to get to the conference room for refreshments and the interview.

We reached the conference room about six o’clock in the afternoon. It had been an enjoyable afternoon walking the course but time was getting short for everyone to go home and relax. After a brief conversation and a few light hearted golf jokes, we got to the formal interview. “What you got?” Guido asked as Cutter was slugging down a glass of southern style sweet tea with the sugar settled in the bottom of the glass. I started the interview, “What about the opening ceremony?”. “What about it?” Guido said matter of fact. “Well I know it is a very big thing at the real Masters Tournament and I would assume the same for the Virtual THW Masters Tournament?” Guido leaned back in his chair and began the overview. “This year we are doing things a little different, wasn’t my idea but Condi’s. We are having those Weed Smoking, Snowboard Riding Weirdies from Colorado ride their BMX bicycles down Magnolia Lane to the club house waving pink handkerchiefs. They are followed by a German Polka Band decked out in lederhosen and those short brimmed felt hats singing Guten Tag Mein Fraulein.” I was speechless, I knew this had something to do with golf but I felt it was better not to ask a lot of questions. “Oh, one last thing,” Guido stated, “We are having a lot of server trouble, problems getting stats updated, and our greens have bad pixilation. If you know of a qualified IT person or even a wanna be our IT person please give us a call.” The interview was over, salutations exchanged, I took the VW bus to the club entrance where I got into the longest limo I could charter and went to the Augusta airport.

It was a short flight home and just before landing I thought about being a part of the interview of a lifetime inside AugustaTHW 2014 and was already longing for the click of the drivers starting the upcoming tournament.

OK, Mac here.

Many thanks to Ace for contributing this special interview for all THW members to read and enjoy. Although, I really, really hope that this interview was not an excuse just so Ace can go scout out the Augusta grounds for possible oil well and gas fracking sites. I suppose if next year the Eisenhower tree is gone and replaced by Oil Rig Platform #12 and the rough converted to drainage fields and Rae’s Creek filled with crude oil, we’ll know.

The THW Masters kicks off tonight. Ranking and Housewares Cup points are on the line. So I gotta ask…

1.) Will the ‘Marlin finish the entire four round tournament?
2.) When will bink have played himself right of out the tournament. Answers to be submitted by round/hole.

FORE!

Thursday, April 10, 2014

The Cocklebur Interviews: Ace at Augusta

by Ace

As most of our club knows, Ace went through excruciating surgery last week to have a hockey puck removed from his right flank. This EXTREMLY MAJOR surgery kept him from being a contender in the Shootout at San Antonio, but to pass the time, he volunteered to help our reporting staff at the Team Housewares News Network. So we decided to send him on a none expenses paid trip to the links at Augusta National. Unknowingly to THW, Ace has some pretty high contacts in the world of virtual golf and flew to Atlanta, Georgia on Sunday afternoon, where he obtained a once in a lifetime exclusive interview concerning preparation for the upcoming first 2014 Major Tournament, the Virtual THW Masters. Ace gave me a call and stated that this exclusive is only for THW members (and any anonymous web site readers) and should add to the tradition of being a proud member.

The following is Part 1 of Ace’s exclusive report from Augusta.

After making a call to Condi Ricearoni in Dallas, I knew the doors would be open for a once in a lifetime visit to the Virtual Masters Course in Augusta, Georgia. I called my favorite pilot and told him to select our fastest company plane and we were off in no time. Upon landing in Augusta, I chartered the longest limo I could find and headed to the Masters Country Club. Upon arriving at the main entrance I was greeted by security. Touting my credentials from Condi I stated who I was and that I would appreciate being escorted immediately to the interview site. Surprisingly, to keep my presence confidential, I was loaded into a restoration forgotten 1967 VW bus and shuttled to the office of the Official Virtual THW Masters Greens Keeper (Cutter). Upon cordial introductions and light personal discussion we were met by the Virtual THW Masters Tournament Director (Guido). The tour of a lifetime begins.
Guido stated, “Let’s us three take a quick walk around the course and then come back to the conference room for refreshments and the interview.” As we walk to the first tee box Guido states…”you’re not one of those Weed Smoking, Snowboard Riding Weirdies from Colorado are you?” I politely stated, “No sir, I am from Texas”. He said, “Do you know Binkdog?” “Of course”, I stated. “Then you’re an alright guy. We’ll give you the green jacket tour!”. Standing at the first tee box, Guido was very matter of fact in stating, “We are putting in a rule change this year. Those Brits across the pond have small balls, they come over here to America where we all have bigger balls and want us to allow them to play with their small balls! I don’t like watching them play with their small balls and it is not going to happen this year. That Pointed Fish guy came over here last year and won the tournament because he played with his small balls. None of us wanted to check his balls so we just let things get out of hand! He better bring bigger balls this year because the course is going to be setup where a golfer with small balls can’t win!” Being caught off guard by the whole discussion I smiled and we continued the tour.

As we walked the course I noticed all the homes along the way either had their windows covered with plywood or were in the process of being covered. I asked Cutter what was happening and he just stated “Ever seen Wirenut hit a driver? He’ll hit one fifty yards of the green on his approach if it is late in the evening!” I knew not to make further inquiry.

It was amazing the amount of heavy earth moving equipment working the course. I asked Guido what the effort was focused on since Augusta is known to not make course modifications. Curtly Cutter replied, “Building Ender ways!” Of course I had to ask, “What is an Enderway?”. “Well, Cutter continued, to put it simple, we are building secondary fairways in the woods!” I was astonished. Cutter continued, “Cheaper to build fairways than replant damaged trees.” Guido spoke up, “You know it was not an easy decision to build Enderways. The reduced amount of popping sound from the ball ricocheting in the trees may decrease our popcorn concession sales during the tournament. After a lot of debate at the Board of Directors meeting we had to make a decision so we decided that this tournament is about golf, not popcorn!” Again speechless, I was glad to continue the tour.

Walking near the famous Butler Cabin where amateur golfers are allowed to stay for the tournament I noticed the historic plaque had been replaced with a sign that read “Butler Cabin Reading Club”. Without thinking I stated, “What’s with the Butler Cabin plaque change?” Guido shared, “We installed a library in the building for the Virtual Tournament in case anybody would rather read than show up to play golf. Speaking of reading, funny thing about that Enderdawg guy, he belongs to some kind of book reading club organization and the way he putts I would never have guessed he knows how to read anything!”.

As we walked past the ninth green Cutter asked, “Did you notice the enormous number of Cal-Binkers we hired Bob the Builder to install this year?” Being puzzled by the question I replied “Cal-Binkers?” “Yep,” Cutter continued, “Move Calibration sites for Binkdog. They are really no problem because we like Binkdog but it sure is a lot of them and it would be nice if we only needed them inside the out-of-bounds markers.”

This concludes Part 1 of the two part Ace at Augusta interview. Tune in Friday morning for Part 2.

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Live Commentary for Shootout Near the Alamo Tournament

by Ace, Resident Cocklebur

Reporting forthe Team Housewares News Network, a sidelined Ace has been providing readers with live running commentary. We catch up with him on Moving Day…Round 3 of the Shootout Near the Alamo tournament.

On behalf of the Team HouseWares News Network, welcome back fans to the final two rounds of the Shootout Near the Alamo - TPC San Antonio, TEXAS!  I am your live commentator, Ace. It is a sunny yet hot and humid day in the Alamo City and the fans are stirring in anticipation of what appears to be the strongest initial tournament of any Team Housewares season. The excitement is breath taking, the fire ants are firing and the hot dogs are yelling as they sizzle on the grill.  To see the fans carrying baseball mitts

to catch their favorite golfers stray ball……what a tournament.

Let me take a moment to review the leaderboard. PointedMarlin…known to his fans as Sir Marlin, is leading the melee of swingers at 167 or 23 over par thru the first 36 holes. Catching a rip tide and using his robotic skills, Marlin skipped his way over the course yesterday not even breaking a twig. In second place is Wirenut…we are not sure if he knows he even played yesterday but he was in the early lead before suffering a minor setback when his ball landed on a beer top and he scuffed a driver thinking he was on the tee box when he was only twenty yards from the hole.  After gaining his composure he staggered in with a 175 or 31 over par thru what he thought was 57 holes but is officially 36 holes.  He is truly a dark horse possibility to catch the PointedMarlin…almost a black horse! LOL. We have the Binkdog currently in third place but how no one really knows. His game was so quiet during the first round that the fans thought he had over slept and missed his tee time, but no, there he was, not disqualified but playing round one with round two causing total confusion for the gallery of fans.  However, all the fans were riveted when Binkdog punched a spectator in the face with a birdie on hole one but then got shut down by the SPCA and Audibon Society and never could recover after the fourth hole. He sadly limped in after playing his second round in the dark with a frazzled controller packed in ice and muttering endless words of disparity with a 177 or 33 over par. As all Binkdogs fans know, being from TEXAS you can’t keep him down, he may soar to sixth place before the tourney is over, he is still fishing to catch a Marlin!  Enderdog, a giant among Enders, worked his way around the course like a plumber.  Fans did not let his game fool them as they knew he was a professional, ugh, ugh as he relentlessly worked his way around the course.  There was not a sand trap or tree that intimidated him but he never could get the rake out of his bag after hole one and it totally drug his score down bringing him in at 179 or 35 over par.  HOWEVER, our sport statistician just informed me that Enderdog is just 2 strokes behind Binkdog, seems to be a fan favorite, and may be the man to watch through the next two rounds. Go Ender, a fan yells! Last but not least we have the Mac_Mister, Mister of Misters, Mac among Macs, seeing this giant of a golf legend struggle through the first two rounds of play is just astonishing.  He was totally off balance throughout the first two rounds firing only a 183 or 39 over par. HOWEVER, our sport statistician just informed me that Mac is just 6 strokes behind Binkdog, seems to be a fan favorite, and maybe the man to watch through the next two rounds. Go Mac a fan yells! Where is ASH, fans are wondering. HOWEVER, our sport statistician just informed me that ASH is just strokes behind Binkdog, seems to be a fan favorite,  and maybe the man to watch through the next four rounds should he show up. Go Ash a fan yells! YEP, you are caught up on tournament standings, we are waiting in nerves anticipation for tea time and the final rounds to begin.

WOOO, hold your horses there partners. I don’t believe what I am seeing. A bus load of fans stepping out of a water tight “Flex Sealed” school bus that just came in from England! Each fan is wearing a “Beatle Mania” wig and has a card board sign saying Go Marlin! INCREDIBLE! Oh,wait,we have problems, the TEXAN fans have arrived to cheer on Binkdog. They are all packing heat, looks like 45 Magnums and they are using the cardboard signs carried by the Brits as targets. What a Shootout Near the Alamo – TPC San Antonio. Don’t go away. We are taking a siesta. YEE HAW….what a season opener

Back to the live action now.

Howdy fans. We are back live, I think. Yes, the fellas are warming up by swinging their clubs to the song of “Yellow Rose of Texas” beside the number one tee box. The gun unexpectedly sounds, the click of drivers has just riveted the morning air. What tee shots! The cockleburs are heading east! The birds are wearing pith helmets and the fans are scattering in all directions dogging the flying golf balls! What a YEE HAW of a start trying to follow the shots of the players. What a challenge we have for this third round.

What a development. After hole one Wirenut has come unscrewed. What is going on the fans are yelling. Oh my! Ender is at zero and the rest is history.

We are at the turn and when asked about the 9th hole score, Ender openly admits he got a crap.  Mac was silent, Bink gave an “oh no”, Wirenut was rambling something about a ninety degree shot, but Marlin mixed it up with a bogey. Oh, my, the pressure is building.

As the safari continues on the TPC course, PointedMarlin is draining puts from 84 feet and then yawning.  Ender throws down a fantastic Moving Day round and is trolling to catch the Marlin.  The crowd has their binoculars out looking for Mac. Binkdog is howling with sand in his shorts while Wirenut slugs down another cup of coffee or is that a Bushwiser? The course is taking its toll on the players. This is not pretty sports fans, the battle for the Alamo is still a rage!

The tension is so high that players are struggling not to play in groups. “Let’s go!”, wild Ender chants.  Invites are out and the final round is about to begin. Mac, where are you?  Wirenut openly states that if he was not playing so bad that he would have a better score. He is the most revealing player on the course.They are off, the final round begins!

The players are worn to a frazzle as they make the turn and are going down the home stretch to the final hole.  Ender is making a move but it seems too late even though he is making the challenge to find Marlin.  Wirenut is complaining to the gallery about the breeze.  Marlin is taunting by stating high scores but he is keeping it low.  Bink is looking for a strategy. Hang on, Mac is now charging Bink rent to be in the caboose. Shipping addresses are being shared, credit card numbers are tossed between players in preparation for the 19th hole.  This game is about to end. Marlin coasting to the win with contention only focused on the caboose. No, Binkdog steps up and states “I’ve got it”!

It is over, lights are going out. The Brits are packing the bus for home and the Texans are getting a rope for Binkdog as they cry “New York……get a rope!”. Good Tourney gentlemen.  Until next time.
YEE HAW! The Shootout Near the Alamo has been shot out.

Friday, March 07, 2014

The Magnificent Seven - But There Can Only Be One ‘People’s Champ’

by PointedMarlin

Seven good men started Rookie Ace’s Cocklebur National at PGA this last weekend, who would win the final event of the TW14 v1.1 season wasn’t the only question on everybody’s lips? Could Marlin extend his recent rich vein of form? Would Enderdog rediscover his deadly approach game? Would Bink wait until Moving Day before playing himself out of the Tournament? Would Wirenut be able to get Teamspeak to work? Would Ash lay claim to the Caboose? Would Ace finally get his ace?

Read on for the answers to all these questions & more

Round 1
Legend has it that if you lay down a tweet on the first hole you can punch your playing partners on the face - or so Binkdog says

After establishing that the normal playing time was to be adhered to, sans MacTHW, Marlin duly announces his arrival at The Cocklebur by insulting the Germans & giving everyone a bunch of fives right from the off - “tweet” comes the cry from the other side of The Pond
The first dozen holes see MacTHW, Enderdog & Marlin all scoring well. Marlin managing to make the turn at -2 and with it his new season low on the Playstation was well within reach.
Wirenut & Binkdog were scrapping it out for fourth with Ace & Ash in a shoot out for the Caboose at the end of round 1.

Round 2
Marlin opens up with another “tweet” from pretty much the exact same position as the previous round & with a lead of only 4 shots over Ender & Mac from round 1 it shows that either The Marlin means business, that, or he really likes punching people in the face!
Really Binkdog where do you come up with this rubbish?
Enderdog struggles on round 2 as he sees himself slip from joint second to fifth after Mac, Bink & Wirenut all post within a few shots of each other to overtake the mid season phenom
With Ace & Ash both posting consistent second round scores it looked like the tournament was Marlin’s to lose

Round 3
Marlin fails to show for round 3 as he forgets about a prior engagement effectively playing himself out of the Tournament. This leaves Mac the new course leader & like the thoroughbred champion of the people that he is once in a position of power he just never seems to let go, posting up the round low to tighten his grip of Ace’s Cocklebur’s!
Enderdog, Binkdog & Wirenut all post similar scores meaning there is little change atop, mid or bottom of the leaderboard. Enderdog must surely be rueing his bad luck with blue arrows & poorly made Simstix as but for 1 poor round second place would be his and the leader with touching distance.
Just when Ace seems to be making progress he has a round to forget & Ash who has probably forgotten more about video game golf than the rest of us put together due to his encyclopedic knowledge of brewing also hits his his tournament high round

* Marlin plays round 3 posting a metronomic 1 over par and a new course record beating his own previous record set in the first round by one shot
Seventeen pars with one bogey - a fine effort

Round 4
With the only pressure on Mac being the appearance of Marlin who declares it unlikely that he will play his two remaining rounds Mac lays down the best round of the pack. As the ball drops the ‘rent a crowd’ charge the ‘People’s Champ’ carrying him atop their shoulders proclaiming him to be the rightful heir to the Team Housewares golfing throne - well that’s what Mac said happened & since no one was there to see it who are we to not believe him

The final round also sees Wirenut claim the runner up spot beating Binkdog in to third with some very consistent scoring over the two days & Enderdog still searching for that mid season form that saw him wipe the floor with everyone at St. Andrews
AshTHW saves his best round till last but it’s not enough to save him from the Caboose as Ace edges him out for what would ultimately be 6th position

Friday, February 28, 2014

Have You Ever Been Punched in the Face by a Birdie?

by AshTHW

Team Housewares returns to the links for some more rounds of golf with some great rounds of golf and some exhibition team play. The roaming golfers of THW make their way over to Costa Navarino to open this weekend’s festivities. Team Colorado once again faces the dominance of Marlin and his friends. Marlin and Friends do not waste any time and go one up strait way. No matter how much the boys from Colorado tried to even it up Marlin and friends were able to match or beat the numbers put up by the guys from the Centennial State. The back nine had a glimmer of hope for Team Colorado as they were able to gain a couple points but went down by three and dormie on the seventeenth.

The adventurous group of golfers, feeling the need to spend some time in the drink, head on over to TPC Blue Monster at Doral®. Once again it is Team Colorado facing off against the super power that is Marlin and friends. Surprisingly Marlin is not the dominant one during this competition. The player to watch was Binkdog, he throws down a birdie to put his team one up right out of the gate. Marlin and friends remained in the lead and would give no quarter to Team Colorado. By hole fourteen Marlin and Friends were five up and Team Colorado were at dormie.

The final round for this Friday’s competition was at Spyglass Hill. Team Colorado has hope this round because they face Team Marlin and Friends sans Marlin. This round had a rocky start with Bink needing five tries to send out invites and Enderdog taking a nap on the tee box. Marlin and Friends start at one up on the first hill which may have giving them a false sense of hope because in a surprising turn of events Team Colorado will remain in the lead from hole three on. At one point Team Colorado was up by four and was able to remain ahead until the seventeenth and three up and dormie.

Saturday begins with a visit from Wirenut and some team games at the Royal Birkdale Golf Club. We start the night with some new team names with a comic book flair. We have the Legion of Awesome featuring Mac and Ash versus the SuperFriends made up of Bink, Wirenut, and Ace. The Legion of Awesome faces the wrath of Wirenut and the other SuperFriends as they are not able to gain any footing. The Legion of Awesome tries to keep it close but find it hard to do with Ash not doing a thing to help the team leaving it up to Mac to carry him up and down the links of The Royal Birkdale. Wirenut was able to carry his SuperFriends to victory with a five up and dormie on the fourteenth hole.

Next up on this night of smacking the virtual white ball is the beautiful River Highlands. The Legion of Awesome takes on another member and some hope with the arrival of Pointed Marlin. With optimism and excitement The Legion of Awesome are ready to tee off and just as quick their hopes are dashed as the SuperFriends start of with one up on the first hole. As the game goes on the SuperFriend keep dangling false hope in front of the Legion of Awesome by remaining only one or two over. Although Mac and Marlin play a respectable game and finish with identical eighty-eights it was not enough to beat the impressive scores put on the board by the opposition. The SuperFriends win this one on the sixteenth with three up.

The final hole sees the departure of Ash and Marlin and the emergence of a new team. Mac and Wirenut team up to form Team Macnut and they go up against the team of Ace and Bink as Team Oil Stain. To begin this round Team Oil Stain makes a bold declaration, “Team Oil stain will come out and punch them (Macnut) in the face with a birdie on the first hole.” On the first hole there was no punch and no birdies to be seen, there was only pain and sadness as the best score there was a plus one. As a point of fact, the first bird did not tweet until the fifth when Wirenut steps up and throws one down. Binkdog and Ace are in a fight to occupy Ash’s caboose. This is a new experience for the Binkdog as he does not remember what it look like back there and he does not like what he sees. With the great play from Mac and Wirenut and the dismal performance of Team Oil Stain; Team Macnut is able to pull off a victory with two up on the seventeenth hole.

These have been the headlines for the weekend of February twenty-first through the twenty-second. Thanks for reading and see on the links for the next tournament, The Cocklebur National.